


Feedback

by in_a_pickle



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Bit of Fluff, Comedy, M/M, Swear Words, unspoken feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-10
Updated: 2020-09-10
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:07:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26388409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/in_a_pickle/pseuds/in_a_pickle
Summary: Aziraphale gets sent a Feedback form from Heaven asking how they were as employers.   Crowley has a few of his own ideas on the subject.
Relationships: Aziraphale & Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 31





	Feedback

Aziraphale was sat at his desk gently unpicking the stitches of a particularly tricky book spine when he felt a slight shift in reality. An envelope edged with a familiar gold border shimmered into existence beside him, like so many times before. He hadn’t expected to hear from them so soon. Popping down his tools he closed his eyes cautiously reaching out with his divinity to see if the package was celestially stable, he wouldn’t put an angelic letter bomb past them at this point.

Satisfied he picked up the envelope, it was addressed in a swirling script to ‘The ex-principality Aziraphale’. How nice. He turned it over once or twice then glanced quickly behind him before raising it guiltily towards his nose inhaling the fresh clean scent of Heaven. It hadn’t been his home for a very long time but the smell of it still reminded him of Her and he was sure a quick sniff wasn’t going to do anybody any harm.

He slipped his bone handled letter opener under the fold at the top and took out the contents. He read them through, then read them through again and shook his head smiling in disbelief. He leant back in his chair and called over his shoulder addressing the slumbering demon behind him on the sofa.

“Crowley my dear, do wake up. I may need your help with a little matter.”

Crowley stirred, grumbling, he readjusted his crooked glasses, ran his hands through his hair and glanced at his watch. It was tomorrow already.

“Angel?” He said throwing aside the tartan blanket that had appeared in the night. He looked at the empty glass in his hand and put it back on the table amongst the clutter of wine bottles that had been opened yesterday lunchtime.

“Sorry, must have nodded off. What’s that?” He gestured at the gilded letter Aziraphale was tapping against his hands. The angel passed it over to the demon and sat on the arm of the sofa whilst Crowley flicked through its contents giving the occasional snort in disgust.

“They want feedback?” He spluttered.

“Apparently so, it’s a very useful method of communication used to improve a company’s performance.”

“Yes I know what feedback is Aziraphale, you can’t pull off a decent seduction these days without having to share your experience. I just didn’t expect Heaven to give a shit about their whole ‘trying to murder you’ episode, let alone asking how they could have done it better.”

“I believe they were attempting to execute me for treason.” he corrected.

“However you want to dress it up, it’s ridiculous, I bet it was Michael’s idea. Probably been talking to Dagon down their _back channels_ , it seems the sort of mindless nonsense they’d come up with just to piss you off after getting fired. You should send it back with a 10 on how much you think they should all just fuck off and leave us alone .”

Aziraphale took back the sheet of paper before it was demonically incinerated. “Well, at least let’s sit down and have a look at it . . it might be fun . . unless you’ve currently got anything better to do?”

“I could rearrange the the erotic literature shelf for you?” He said with a sly smile. “I need a few fresh ideas.”

“I’m going to put the kettle on, I have the sudden urge for a cup of tea.”

He clicked his fingers at the coffee table and the evidence of yesterday’s indulgence disappeared.

“Frivolous.” Crowley smirked, Aziraphale pretended not to hear.

Crowley lounged back and fondly watched Aziraphale pottering around the tiny kitchenette with the teapot and mugs. He was quite a sentimental being at heart and found the familiar routine welcome after the terrifying events that had unfolded around the aborted apocalypse last week. They had been at death’s door so many times they should have been issued with a restraining order. He had a lot to be grateful for.

Aziraphale returned with the tea tray placing it on the low table and sat back in his comfy chair. He poured the tea into their respective winged mugs and handed Crowley his black one. He also offered him a biscuit which Crowley declined out of habit. Aziraphale took two and dunked one in his tea, he picked up the correspondence and discarded the cover note that was signed in the familiar elegant script;

_Regards, Archangel Michael._

“Right, you read them out and I’ll answer,” Crowley leaned back and rested his snakeskin boots on the coffee table, “how many times am I allowed to tell them to cock off in one sentence?”

“Really my dear.” He swiped Crowley’s feet off the table and put his spectacles on his nose. He started to read.

**_“On a scale from 0-10, how likely are you to recommend your organisation as a good place to work?”_ **

“Hmm lets face it,” Crowley pondered, “promotional opportunities are ziltch, no one in upper management is going to be dying anytime soon so all the top spots are taken for the next few millennia at least. The whole place is so brain-numbingly boring half the employees chose to be cast out into the burning pits of Hell rather than spend another day working for Gabriel. And if you do stick it out and still manage to fuck up you get a one way ticket downstairs or now apparently just incinerated in Hell Fire for kicks. So I guess that’s a Zero from me.

“It’s got quite a nice view from the foyer.” Aziraphale reasoned.

“That’s not what they mean and it’s not even real.” Crowley scoffed. “Next.”

**_“Are your organisation’s values aligned with the values that you consider important in your life?”_ **

“No, as I consider Global Genocide to be a pretty shitty corporate goal. Next!” 

**_“How do you feel about management? Do you have any feedback or suggestions for how we can improve things?”_ **

“Management are all wankers. Management needs to stop being wankers. Simple.”

“I don’t think you are taking this very seriously Crowley.”

“Do you disagree with any of my answers so far?”

Aziraphale rolled his eyes and continued.

**_“Does your work environment allow you to work distraction-free when you need to?”_ **

“In my opinion it depends how much Battenberg cake there’s left in your tin.” said the demon.

“Oh, so I assume we’re ignoring the regular demonic distractions at this point, particularly ones that snore on my sofa whilst I’m trying to work.”

Crowley made a scoffing noise. “You’ve could’ve asked me to leave.”

“I didn’t want to wake you, you look adorable when you’re asleep.”

Crowley took a large gulp of tea and leant forward snatching the form out of Aziraphale’s hand.

 ** _“Do you feel you received proper and complete training?”_** he read on.

“Hmmm,” said Aziraphale thoughtfully, “it was a very long time ago. As I remember Michael popped a flaming sword in my hand and told me to go and keep Her new creations safe from temptation.”

“And how did that work out for you?” Crowley smirked.

“You jolly well know how that turned out, you wily serpent. I got in a lot of trouble for your antics.”

“Sternly worded memo? * BEWARE OF SNAKES NEXT TIME, AZIRAPHALE *”

Aziraphale swallowed a mouthful of tea and some of it appeared to have turned lumpy in its descent. “It was a _little_ more serious than that, my dear.”

Something in his words left a cold feeling in Crowley’s insides. Knowing what he knew now about those heartless bastards he didn’t need to imagine the brutal repercussions his actions might have had upon his friend. He put down his mug and shifted uncomfortably on the sofa, the amiable mood had gone.

“What did they do to you afterwards? Did they hurt you?” He already knew the answer.

“A little,” which meant a lot, Aziraphale was no stranger to pain,“No more than I probably deserved. I was demoted you understand from a Cherubim, that’s quite serious. Michael was furious and let’s just say she didn’t take it out on me alone and I paid the price for my mistake. But . . . it eventually paved the way for a new position here on earth, and here we are, so all’s well that ends well, as they say.”

Crowley felt he’d just won the world’s shittiest friend award. “Why the fuck were you still so nice to me after all the trouble I caused you?”

“Because my dear, you were only doing your job, as was I, only I was doing it very badly. Anyway you were quite interesting when you weren’t being an insufferable nuisance.”

“You’re an Angel, you know that.” Crowley’s voice came out a bit wrong.

“Yes and quite a shoddy one I think we’ve established” he laughed lightly and plucked the list back from Crowley’s hand. “Right, come on next question before you might actually consider apologising for once.”

 ** _“Do you feel like you can share your honest thoughts with your manager?”_** Aziraphale continued.

Crowley picked up a pretend phone and held it to his ear. “Hi Gabriel do you have five minutes, I’d just like to share something with you. I really want to smack that irritating expression of superiority off your smarmy block-headed face with a cricket bat? Is that something you think we could maybe work on together? Yeah, let me know, Ciao.”

“Maybe a little too frank, dear boy, though I must admit the thought had often crossed my mind.”

“So now’s your chance! Let them have it. Tell them the truth. Tell them everything!” Crowley was suddenly deadly serious.

“You know, I couldn’t, even after all we’ve been through they all still terrify me.”

“Aziraphale . . “

“I’ve sat here whilst the world is asleep and tortured myself with the thought that they’re all going to turn up any moment to take their revenge . . . and I’d lose you forever.” He bit back a small sound and sat back in his old chair. “I’m still so frightened Crowley, I’m not like you, I wish I had your courage.” He ended in a whisper.

Crowley took off off his sunglasses and glared at his friend, “Courage! I’ll tell you a little something about courage Aziraphale! Courage is not giving up and running away when you think the odds are against you. Courage is standing up to your best friend and telling him NO because you want to give it one last shot. Courage is facing certain death and still refusing to give up hope even when everyone else has.”

His serpentine eyes had bled fully yellow and they remained unblinking as they fixed upon his friend’s face. “You are the most amazing and courageous being I have ever met and my life on this planet would have been empty without you.”

He paused and swallowed thickly, his expression softened “Look I know there are some things we don’t talk about Aziraphale but . . . . . “

“Shall we move on to something stronger my dear, I feel tea isn’t quite passing muster any more.” The angel stood up and walked over to the dark wooden cabinet where he always found exactly the sort of alcohol he was looking for. On this occasion it was a a soft and mouth filling Chilean red wine.

Crowley stood there taking the given moment to suppress the feelings that were bubbling dangerously close to the surface, the ones he had kept in check for so many years. They never stepped over this particular boundary, nothing was ever said about how they truly felt about each other. Why the hell did he think now was a good time?

“Yeah, good idea.” Said Crowley returning his dark glasses. He exhaled. Fuck.

Aziraphale placed two wine glasses on the table and poured a generous measure in to each. He handed Crowley his glass, giving him a knowing consolatory smile. A smile that said ‘you know I love the demonic bones of you, and maybe one day I’ll be ready to admit it’.

“Shall I read out the next question my dear?”

“Yeah, go on,” Crowley took a large mouthful of wine and sank back on to the sofa. At least it couldn’t get any worse.

**_“Do you feel your managers deal fairly with any disciplinary proceedings.”_ **

Oh shit, of course it was going to get worse.

After the abomination of Aziraphale’s so called trial, Crowley had made a pact with himself never to tell the angel about his treatment at the hands of his former bosses. How he had been sentenced to a death with no more emotion than someone swatting an irritating fly. He knew it would ruin him to find out that those bastards, that he held in such high esteem for so long, thought so little of him. He had so far managed to avoid the subject.

“Crowley?”

Shit, he had to sort his face out, he was looking like a rabbit in the headlights “Hmmm?”

“I realise now that we haven’t ever properly talked about what happened before I/you stepped in to the Hell Fire. Who lead the trial? Was Jeremiel present? He always liked to fight for the under dog.”

Crowley remained silent, twirling his glass, watching the red liquid swirl around the bowl. He had to say something soon or that shrewd bastard would know something was up.

“There wasn’t an official trial as such.”

“What do you mean?” Aziraphale sat up. “They wouldn’t have just kidnapped me and dragged me up there to murder me Crowley.”

“No . . erm, yeah, it was sort of okay.” Oh, fucking brilliant answer Crowley, what a master of deception you are.

“Well it can’t have been that okay as I nearly ended up dead. Who was there?”

“Erm . . . Gabriel, Michael, Sandalphon . . . Uriel, y’know, usual suspects.” He offered pathetically.

“Was that all, hardly a fair trial?”

“Yeah, you know what they’re like, wouldn’t listen to reason, pig-headed arseholes.”

“Well what did Gabriel say? Surely executing an Angel, even a treacherous one, would have come with one of his infamous self-righteous comments.”

_(Shut your stupid mouth and die already)_

“Yeah, he seemed sorry he had to do it, he said . . . erm . . . something about the greater good.”

 _(_ _Don’t talk to me about the greater good sunshine I am_ _the Arch_ _angel fucking Gabriel)_

“Well I suppose I could take some comfort knowing there might have been a modicum of remorse in that stone cold heart of his. Don’t you think?”

Crowley’s charred heart crumbled into a cloud of ashes, Aziraphale still believed there was good in them after all that had happened. He had to tell him the truth, if he didn’t then he’d be no better than they were. Their side shouldn’t be founded on lies, even if it ripped the angelic soul out of his best friend.

“Yeah, maybe.” Crowley tried to find some sort of answer at the bottom of his wine glass.

“You’re lying.”

“What?” Crowley’s eyes snapped up and he met the angels gaze, it was diamond edged and inescapable.

“You’re lying.”

“No I’m not,” he lied.

“Now you’re lying about lying.”

“Ngk.”

“Crowley I haven’t known you for 6000 years not to know when you’re lying. You do that thing.”

“What thing.” He tried to make sense of Aziraphale’s gesture. “I’ve lied to you loads of times and you’ve believed me.”

Aziraphale looked at him. “Only when I thought the lie benefitted me more than the truth.”

“Fuck. So that time in Jerusalem with the cat and the Rabbi . . . ?”

“That was a whopper, even by your standards.”

“And in Rome when Claudius . . . .”

“The singed edges of his toga gave you away that time my dear.”

“And you still didn’t call me out on them.”

“How could I judge you when time on Earth so quickly compromised my own poor standards.” He cleared his throat “And, I might have been known to tell the odd untruth myself once or twice.”

“ _I don’t even like you,_ ” mimicked Crowley in Aziraphale’s well-educated voice.

Aziraphale gave him a pointed look over his reading glasses.

“Sorry angel, too soon?” A mischievous grin spread across his face.

“One of my biggest lies, Crowley. Though heaven may have imploded had I admitted at that point that after all my Heavenly indoctrination that I ended up with a demon as my best friend.”

“Would have saved us a lot of bother if we’d only had one side to deal with.”

“Yes, though I can’t say life in Hell’s clutches would have been a holiday for me”

“I don’t know, I could have sneaked some sushi down to the third circle now and again.”

Aziraphale’s face crinkled in delight, he laughed and raised his glass in a salute at Crowley. “And whilst I appreciate the sentiment dear boy, you don’t have to feel you need to protect me from ‘them’. I don’t need to know what happened in Heaven that day and I know it would hurt you to tell me. So let’s just be grateful that we both lived see another beautiful day.”

The angel looked at the feedback sheet, screwed it up and tossed it in the air, Crowley shot it down in a cloud of (inflammable) sparks.

“We can wait until the ‘Big One’ then we’ll give them our feedback on behalf of all of humanity.”

Crowley topped up their glasses and they clinked them together. “I’ll drink to that.”


End file.
